The X Factor: A Quik n Ezy Guide to the Election


Oh beehive.

I am useless at politics really.

I know about things like MMP, Oravida and Peter Dunne’s professorial thatch, but on the whole I am pretty undereducated in this department.

Makes me perfect to write about it then, right?

So, I thought I would revert to clueless mode (Note: there’s three settings on this blog: taking the piss out of movies, getting angry about blended family injustices  and ‘clueless’ which is the nothingness of tosh for anyone who likes the Shelley Bridgeman approach to blogging.  No offense Shells, but some of those Herald articles are the same as having a lunchtime lobotomy with your Jarrah) and write something for the completely uninformed or the person who simply doesn’t have time to read the political columns, or try to understand them, nay want to understand them.

Let’s face it: it’s election year and you can’t go around in life not really knowing which way to swing your vote.

We’ll start with what we have.  From what I can tell, John Key’s National leads the charge with economy driven banter – and reducing national debt, so that money is going back into the economy.  I grew up in the Muldoon years, and Rob liked to drink and spend up big.  And Think Big.  I guess if you want growth, at times you’ll need to borrow to realise the asset to create jobs, to get the taxes to pay back the debt…

The whole thing sounds like a bit of a merry-go-round but something the average New Zealander can actually understand, since isn’t that what a mortgage is?

National seem to also be keen to spy on people, and much of this term has been fraught with discussion about the GCSB and relative freedoms for New Zealand citizens.  Apparently, according to Twitter – which is where I obtain all of  my knowledge, apart from Wikipedia and the Who Weekly – there is a ‘list’ of people who might seem a threat to either national security or seen as in opposition to the National government.  Wow it sounds intriguing. I wonder if I’ll get on it soon.  It’s not the A List, but it is a LIST.

National seem pretty secure in their position and from my viewings of the Breakfast show with Rawds n Ali, the way John Key is supremely confident, even when he is clearly doing ‘lizard eyes’, makes me think he is in a good position to attend the next international smorgasbord and dancing til dawn with Obama.

Labour on the other hand.  For crying out loud, guys, what is happening in there?  David Cunliffe looks like a leader and talks like a leader but doesn’t seem to have that explosive wow factor that Dan Bedingfield is looking for.

Where is the heavy promotion of policies like Capital Gains Tax?  What is the education strategy?  Despite not wanting to vote for National, I know a few of their policies.  When I go to the Labour website, the first item on the list is Save the Kauri.

I’m totally all like Save the Kauri, but also Save the Human, their ability to earn and particularly their ability to afford quality housing.

And lately there’s a new contender who needs no introduction: The Internet Party (geddit?) who remind me a little of the Standing at the Back of the Group Dressed Stupidly Looking Stupid Party.

I follow these guys on Twitter and they come over a little like the cool ridiculously good-looking 7th Formers who always held the coolest after-ball parties that I wasn’t invited to.

What about the New Zealand Greens?  Russel Norman is steady, has a GSOH and I am about to make him sound available for  a date.  What I am really saying is that of all of the current party leaders, he makes my skin crawl the least.

And finally, although by no means (at all) is this good coverage of anything, least of all our political parties, Colin Craig.  I am still keen to find out if this guy is for real.  Is he for real?  Is he really saying things some people think have value?  I rate my family above everything and I agree that this unit is the centre of society, as opposed a set of adult individuals who have the most capacity to earn.  But let’s not take a devolutionary approach, Colin.  And those eyes, Colin.  Those eyes.

Has it really come down to that as a voting strategy then?  Just vote for the one who appears most humanoid and least lizard-like?

Yep.  Pretty much.

So there you go, readers.  Your vote makes you an Important New Zealander.  Go and read some of the excellent commentaries from the real political blogs (some are listed under Sites we Like).  Get into it. In the supermarkets, at the beaches, at the Queen impersonator concerts, strike up a conversation with someone and talk about voting.



The election is on Saturday September 20th 2014.

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