What would you dance to on Dancing With The Stars, if you had to? Tonight’s stars chose a range of hits that fitted a rock vibe, ruined only by Robbie Rakete dancing to Whitney Houston.

Dai Henwood was allowed to be a little more Benny Hill in his delivery, slipping in a few clangers that were noticed mainly by the judges.

First up was Shav. Dai’s assessment at the end seemed to sum up this performance:

…even though you were buffing the floor like a high-school janitor

It’s all here on New Zealand’s Dancing With The Stars. If you’ve missed the episode, just shut your eyes and imagine Shav being dragged around the floor by one arm, for charity. The dance stunts are becoming increasingly complex. I just realised why Shav shortened her name; is it because texters can’t spell Shavaughn? Beautiful dancing and so much genuine emotion. And Shav looks stunning, and boy does she believe in her cause.

Next up was Roger. Of course he chose a difficult band and a difficult song.  Nothing Else Matters is a waltz just like anything by Strauss; it’s a classic of its kind, but unfortunately Roger was so wooden I actually felt a bit angry. He looked like a boy from the St Kent’s Senior Ball being made to dance with his first and only girlfriend from Epsom Girls’, and she’s well into metal ‘n’ shit.

Rog: nothing else matters

I do wish Rog would let up on his radio-announcing voice for one minute. I’m half expecting him to turn to the camera and remind us to update our life insurance policy through Sigma, partners in this show.

Sam and Aaron did ‘whimsy’ with Florence and the Machine as an accompaniment. I couldn’t look away from Sam’s dress which reminded me of those toilet seats with resin set with flowers. In a good way.

You can’t go past her partner, Aaron Gilmore and his one stud earring. He’s super-lithe and ridiculously good-looking. I hope these two get married at the end of the show.

And then, like a live-feed from the Acapulco Lounge on the Sea Princess, judges Julz and Rachel hit the floor to show all those other amateurs how it’s done. Dressed in matching Jarrah Jaffa-coloured outfits, Julz looked like he’d cashed in his Sylvia Park voucher for a $200 makeover. The spray-tan is up to 11!

Julz and Rach: tans

Jess and Johnny are a crowd favourite and chose festival favourite Six60 for their jam. It immediately made me want to start drinking large plastic cups filled with Speight’s. After a seamless fuck-up the week before, undetected by no-one but the judges, they sashayed around the floor and I really wondered how Jess was doing this. She is an amazing woman.

Let us pause for a minute on Zac.  Sadly, Zac looked like he was made to wear a lengthened version of David Seymour’s jacket from episode two. He ripped it off within three seconds revealing an orange sleeveless garment, as shiny as his Soul Glo hair. Kirstie was previously bereft in the backstory for the week, as this episode is her Judgement Day. Don’t worry though, Zac bought his special Kelvin Cruickshank-issue tarot cards and thinks the odds are in their favour. Sadly, the dance was awful.

Zac: pleather and Soul Glo

Meanwhile Naz is in the bit where they hold the stars while they wait for their turn. Another medical drama has befallen her, this time her partner’s knee is bust, but she will dance alone if she has to.

Cut to Dai who by now cannot wait any longer to drop his finest double entendre:

Thanks judges, a lot of swelling down there.

Robbie Rakete is next in the line-up and I have a major flashback to his days on Sea Urchins. The ageless one isn’t the greatest dancer in town, and neither am I, I remind myself ,as I sit relentlessly judging these poor people from my couch. My own style is “lovable donkey” and Rakete is way better than this. But is he good enough?

We find out by contrasting his set with that of Chris Harris who is getting more tanned and lithe each week. He’s dressed in extremely tight but breathable dance fabrics, and apart from the fact that his free hand is constantly in a fist (and there’s nothing wrong with that), he’s looking more relaxed by the minute.

Tomorrow great mysteries appear, such as: Why is David Seymour almost naked, will Suzy Cato bring her children and perhaps some stray animals she adopted on at the end, and will Naz’s date turn up?

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