It’s Valentine’s Day on the weekend.
And on the lists of New Zealand men: what they think women expect. And sometimes get it so, so wrong.
1. Long-stemmed roses
Hard to get. The Warehouse does them. Expensive. Also bear in mind that it’s Saturday this year so you don’t need the big show of bouquets because no one is at work to see how desired you are. Wink. You’re welcome.
For fuck’s sake, don’t buy the Guylian shells in the three pack from Countdown. These were only ever made for people to give to teachers at the end of the year. Chicks hate them. And they’ll hate you, too.
3. A Cute Soft Toy holding a love heart
How to soften the nearest penis in 0.05 seconds.
The Rheineck of the wine world. Can you go up to at least $29.95 on this one?
5. 50 Shades of Grey
How to make yourself look like the worst lay in the world. Don’t go to Bunnings and buy cable ties either.
And ladies …
Please do not perpetuate the idea of the bumbling New Zealand male — with the sexual charisma of a mentally challenged donkey — by buying your “fella” a pair of satin boxers with a horned cartoon devil print. Ugh!
I recommend sexual intercourse.
Think once, think twice, think: sexual intercourse.