The Chase

Of a weekday, you get The Chase after your “Maori News”.

I’ve always watched Te Karere, always. I love it. It makes me feel like a proper New Zealander, unlike when I watch the news at 6pm.

And then, The Chase. Danny from Coronation Street, with his frankly illegal eyelashes, shard-like blue eyes, and hilarious patter ushers out some of the more Mensa members of the great British public.

They try to mix it up. Men, women, from all classes and all financial goals can have a go.

I’d like to win some money because I’ve just moved in with me boyfriend and I’d like to get a few fings for the flat (dropped t)

explains one young lamb. Such innocence.

And then, the questions. A mixture of Classical Studies and Beatles.

Enter The Chaser. It’s as if England has not caught up on offensive archetypes, as out are rolled four characters who defy comprehension.

The Governess


There is an almost constant reference to her knickers, because she is the only woman, and it’s all very English and Dick Emery-like humour. Or John Inman. The knickers are in a twist and the Governess is going to punish you either with them, or just the thought of them.

The Beast


Just a huge man. A big brainy man who is possibly wearing the David Byrne suit, but filling it out and then some. A big pie-eating bastard.

The Sinnerman


Sarcasm in a suit. He’s everything. He’s a GP, he’s a comedian (he’s not funny) he wears a white suit. Ugh.

The Dark Destroyer


A lawyer by trade. Probably the least offensive personality disorder of the four. Mastermind UK winner. Football matches. What would you go on Mastermind and do? I’d do episodes of LOST. Which brings me to my next point.

This is a show about delusion. Like the races but with pesky questions to answer first.

Back to our lass.

She does well, and her team accept her back into the fold with a 14,000-pound swag. They begin the teardown of The Governess. Her knickers are in a right twist, as she fucks up four of the questions. The home viewer shouts the right answer at the television and excitedly strokes their own leg because for one moment, they were brainier than a television genius.

What is the premium art gallery in Spain?

She is sweating now, and flustered.

It’s the Pray-doe

says a disappointed Bradley.

Can they beat her, with knowledge of such pointless relevance?

They do. The team split their 14,000 win four ways, and the young girl goes home famous for a day and with dreams of buying perhaps a nice splashback or an occasional chair.

One question though,

Should we get The Chase going in New Zealand. The Celebrity Chase?

Yes, yes we should.



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