Where I live in Auckland there’s a thing where different shades of road rage and what I call “Rage Signals” have become the norm.
So, since we are so sure of our rights on the road and of our own self-importance here in the Smoke, why don’t we petition the government for change.
Rise up Auckland, rise up. Grab your Rage Rights with both hands! Old rules are in bold.
1. You want to change lane
The new rule should be that this is illegal.
Put simply, lane changing relies heavily upon the goodwill of the people beside and behind you. You should have thought about this long before you even turned into the street. The new laws will have it that should you try to indicate and then lane-change, the people behind you have the right to speed up, making it almost impossible for you to merge, and they are allowed to throw their hands up and mouth “What the fuck are you doing” while glaring at you. In some cases they may wave their camera device at you to indicate they have taken a picture of your license plate for legal action further down the track.
2. You want to parallel park on a main street
Just because the council says it’s ok and has designated many, many parks for this purpose, don’t you dare.
The new laws will allow people to feel aggrieved at having to wait 40 seconds being held stationary while you legally park in your rate-payer funded parking space in your licensed vehicle. Being aggrieved means that drivers will be allowed to honk intermittently or in some cases, never let their hand off the horn until they have driven right past you. They are also now allowed to call you a ‘stupid motherfucker’, leaning across their own children in the front to do so.
3. You want to go on the motorway, Southbound
What gives you the right to sit in a ramp-signal controlled lane, waiting for ‘your turn’? People either side of you are now allowed to burn all of the fuel left in the known world just to get a half a car in front of you.
4. You want to check your side mirrors
No longer will side mirrors be legal. What they traditionally have stopped is people being able to scrape your car at 70 km on a quiet side street, while trying to change the app on the iPad for their child in the back seat. Now, insurance companies are no longer interested in hearing from you if your side mirror has been fucked over by someone’s VW Polo.
5. You want to reverse out of your own driveway
Silly, silly and dangerous. The new law being brought in is called The Nurburgring Act which gives right of way to drivers coming up your street at 200kms. This differs from the current legislation because those motorists will be allowed to keep going, even when they have t-boned your modest family vehicle with you in it. Furthermore, if the jaws of life are being applied to you to extract you from the wreckage, motorists are still covered by The Act, and may pass the horrific scene at the speed of their choice. They are also now allowed to honk their horn intermittently for the inconvenience.
Next time on The Sane Companion: Scones – is that extra 1/2 a cup of flour wise?