Road Change, not Road Rage



These. And those.

Where I live in Auckland there’s a thing where different shades of road rage and what I call “Rage Signals” have become the norm.

So, since we are so sure of our rights on the road and of our own self-importance here in the Smoke, why don’t we petition the government for change.

Rise up Auckland, rise up.  Grab your Rage Rights with both hands!  Old rules are in bold.

1.  You want to change lane

The new rule should be that this is illegal.

Put simply, lane changing relies heavily upon the goodwill of the people beside and behind you.  You should have thought about this long before you even turned into the street.  The new laws will have it that should you try to indicate and then lane-change, the people behind you have the right to speed up, making it almost impossible for you to merge, and they are allowed to throw their hands up and mouth “What the fuck are you doing” while glaring at you.  In some cases they may wave their camera device at you to indicate they have taken a picture of your license plate for legal action further down the track.

2.  You want to parallel park on a main street

Just because the council says it’s ok and has designated many, many parks for this purpose, don’t you dare.

The new laws will allow people to feel aggrieved at having to wait 40 seconds being held stationary while you legally park in your rate-payer funded parking space in your licensed vehicle.  Being aggrieved means that drivers will be allowed to honk intermittently or in some cases, never let their hand off the horn until they have driven right past you.  They are also now allowed to call you a ‘stupid motherfucker’, leaning across their own children in the front to do so.


The result of having to wait while someone calmly parks their vehicle.

3.  You want to go on the motorway, Southbound


What gives you the right to sit in a ramp-signal controlled lane, waiting for ‘your turn’? People either side of you are now allowed to burn all of the fuel left in the known world just to get a half a car in front of you.


At the supermarket. Don’t expect a sorry.


4.  You want to check your side mirrors

No longer will side mirrors be legal. What they traditionally have stopped is people being able to scrape  your car at 70 km on a quiet side street, while trying to change the app on the iPad for their child in the back seat.  Now, insurance companies are no longer interested in hearing from you if your side mirror has been fucked over by someone’s VW Polo.

5.  You want to reverse out of your own driveway

Silly, silly and dangerous.  The new law being brought in is called The Nurburgring Act which gives right of way to drivers coming up your street at 200kms.  This differs from the current legislation because those motorists will be allowed to keep going, even when they have t-boned your modest family vehicle with you in it.   Furthermore, if the jaws of life are being applied to you to extract you from the wreckage, motorists are still covered by The Act, and may pass the horrific scene at the speed of their choice.  They are also now allowed to honk their horn intermittently for the inconvenience.


“Get what’s left of your carcass out of my way”


Next time on The Sane Companion:  Scones – is that extra 1/2 a cup of flour wise?


  1. Jane said I should write something here, so here ’tis.

    I see your NZ driving and I raise you the Hong Kong experience. Automobile driving is a quaint pasttime introduced by the British back when rickshaws and sedan chairs were all the rage. They brought along the sane mother England laws (driving on the left hand side of the road, stopping at traffice lights etc) and all was good.
    Then one day the so called affluent local Chinese decided what a great idea – this is where things go a little awry. See the sane laws seem to be forgotten by said persons the second they are handed their 10 year licence (for the princley sum of HKD900 – NZD 150).

    On the road is less about getting there quickly than it is to look good doing so in a manner seen fit by the driver. This includes, no use of the indicator at ANY stage, zebra crossing’s are just grafiti on the road, speeding around buses to get in front then at the next set of lights slamming the brakes on – the list goes on. But they feel good they are in front so there ‘I WIN’. This is whole basis of the HK driver and in fact the whole HK local population. It’s all one big race – not a quick race just a I must be on front.

    Today a perfect anecdote situated right about here:,114.130874,3a,75y,248.27h,75.23t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1shWgJQOtFqRf3CmKyvjD1tA!2e0
    One way street 3 lanes, imagine the truck on the right was trying to get out sticking his nose out, now imagine a taxi in the middle lane, and a bus in the left lane. The departing truck had to stop, taxi wanted a “me first”, but by then the bus had tried to avoid the taxi that had moved his nose into the left lane. Taxi refused to move, truck refused to back up a bit, bus was stuck as traffic piling up behind. The mexican standoff had begun for a full 10 minutes! I did not see who flinched first but someone would have “lost face” big time after such an embaressingly long time. They knew when a Gweilo (white person) is staring at them laughing that they couldn’t back down – so I left.

    And a short note on horns – this is not used as a means of warning in this so called “Asia’s World City” (you want that go to Singapore), but is the known method of road rage. One must not just give a quick hoot of frustration, but must lean against the control and let it blast out for no less than 1 minute. And don’t let the fact that you are 50 cars behind the impediment that is the cause of the traffic jam, and that you cannot actually see such impediment – that horn must be blasted for the requisite minute. Multiply that by all 50 cars, and once the cyscle is complete we msut wait 1 minute then start all over again. And this is where pedestrian rage comes to the fore, as shown by a slightly tipsy person (no, not me) who took it upon himself in Wanchai one afternoon to walk out and stand in front of a car that did this and did not move for a good 5 minutes. Aaaaahhhh sweet revenge.

    FYI – Some facts about HK and cars – only 5% of the population own cars (excluding taxis) – but that’s 5% of 7 million in what is only the size of Auckland metropolitan area. I guess about 80% have a car for no other purpose than a status symbol (although an Alphard really should not be considered a status symbol). Most cars never see past 50,000kms before they are sold on or scrapped in China.

    BUt this behaviour is not just a driver thing – it is very much a HK local Chinese thing:
    Must get in lift first and press the close door button before anyone else gets in – “I win – my lift”,
    Must be first out of lift or train, by pushing/shoving with not so much as a “by your leave sir” but then walk so slow once disembarked, everyone is tripping over each other “i win – out first”
    Must push onto escaltor – “I win” and block anyone wanting to actually walk up the magical moving stairs – then same as before get of and walk so slow people are falling over trying not to smash into the person.
    There is more but it would take a whole book to describe.

    Anyway that’s my task done for the day – Oh look it’s beer o’clock.

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