Best Christmas Presents for 2014: The Fishing Grenade

Contingency training sharpens combat skills

Also available from the same manufacturer. Grape-flavoured spray tan machine

I was relaxed about fishing processes until the other day I saw an advert for a machine that brings you fish.

Not long ago my son who is four asked me to take him fishing.  I accepted.  I imagined that I would go and buy a reel of nylon, a couple of hooks from the fishing shop, some kind of bait from the BP and a few sandwiches and Calciyums and off we’d go, down to one of the many fine fishing beaches in east Auckland; St Heliers, Mission Bay as examples, or even a bridge and drop the line down, delighted when the tug of defeat pulled our line taught.  Up (or in) we’d haul the line, and we’d eat snapper for days on end.

And then it came on the screen.

Not sure of the exact brand/details but this thing is the fishing equivalent of a grenade in a goldfish bowl.

How silly was I to imagine that the fishing experience was about man versus fish, with the fish having a fair chance to turn down the strong-smelling burly-and-hook arrangement and swim off to find its own food under a rock.

Not so, with the Kontiki Krusher or whatever it’s called.  This thing doesn’t get cast, it gets launched.

From the beaches of summer, with your family, you can set this fucker to sea.  It FINDS the fish.  It talks to satellites and the satellites find the fish for you, then the machine kills them and drags their defeated carcasses back to shore for you.

After that, if you go to The TV Shop, there is a new device that guts the fish for you, fillets it and then gives it to your chef slave to cook.

You don’t even have to handle anything to do with fishing!

At the end of it all, the Kontiki Krusher gets you to stand near the catch and takes a family picture which is automatically uploaded to Instagram for you.

It’s the perfect gift for the remote-controlled style of parenting, so beloved in Auckland.


UPDATE:  It’s here:



One Comment

  1. “Fish Harvester”. That’s brutal. They aren’t even pretending the fish have a chance. I wonder why they didn’t just call it “My Little Factory Trawler” and be done with it.

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