Post-Election Comedown : Whatever happened to?

Cunliffe Election '14 National New Zealand Politics Newmarket

It’s been 30 days since the Election.  What have some of the players been up to since then?

Jamie Whyte

Take THAT Rodin!
Take THAT Rodin!

I really began to rate this guy after the surreal escapade into the landscapes of destiny of their Opening Address video clip.  After the election, Jamie re-shot segments of this and turned it into a full-scale Ken Russell-style romp, starring Hugh Grant, Amanda Donohoe and a gigantic white anaconda.

Called Lair of the Whyte Worm II: Anaconda Rage, it was a smash hit in DVD dispensers in the Eastern suburbs of Auckland.  People would nip into New World to get two bottles of Church Road chardonnay and a Little Shop, and later watch it, marveling at the layered subtexts and beige trousers worn with navy-coloured blazers.

Peter Dunne

Fuck.
Fuck.

Faaark’s right.  P-Dog walked around in circles for a few days before asking Christ for guidance and some answers.  The hills of Belmont did not look so lush and bountiful anymore.  He went on a spiritual retreat in Upper Slut, with strange and very specific cleansing rituals that we really don’t want to hear about ever.

Laila Harre

Laila and Paddy filming on set somewhere
Laila and Paddy filming on set somewhere

Laila was instantly signed up by the Wachowkis for a role as Trinity in The Matrix: Revelations.  Trinity is now a bit older and sage-like.  As Larry Fishburne was unavailable, the Mitre 10 guy stepped in, and since Keanu Reeves was off filming 48 Ronin, Paddy Gower was cast as Neo.  It was decided that the role of Neo would be a bit ‘looser’ and not as physically fit, and that the lines would all be said smiling, even when something bad was happening.

David Seymour

"Does that come in a Cuban heel?"
“Does that come in a Cuban heel?”

One of the success stories of the election, David went straight into Newmarket and bought an ermine trench coat and ticked up a 5-series BMW.  Leather.  He bought a personalized plate that said, simply:

Hi.

David Cunliffe

cunliffe_beard
Tonight, Elysium!

Watched re-runs of Taxi Driver, in particular the mirror/mohawk scene.  Developed a nervous twitch.

Pam Corkery

Running out of funny captions now
Running out of funny captions now

Last seen giving no fucks.

Colin Craig

10188732

Continued on his one-man Mantis quest to glory.

 

Next time on The Sane Companion:  Affairs and Cheating II:  Tony and Carmela Soprano.  What gives, Carm?

4 thoughts on “Post-Election Comedown : Whatever happened to?

  1. I thought Ken was taking care of Colin’s advertising, the signs around here were simply horrifying. Jamie’s ACT debut had more of an air of Robert Bresson meets ‘The Wiggles’. I was glad Colin didn’t make it, he’s obviously insane.

    1. As in Ken Barlow, or Barbie Ken? I like Jamie Whyte a whole lot after this stressful election. I don’t actually think he’s joking either. Colin has no place in politics. He is not a man of the people.

      1. Ken Russell. I was thinking more ‘The Devils’, than ‘The Lair of the White Worm’, I don’t know if you saw the sign with Colin’s brother on it? It was positively, baby-eat-tingly terrifying. As for Jamie, it was a bit disheartening to see the constant shit he had to weather from a press more interested in sensationalism then facts (but then again, all parties got that treatment), but I liked him as well, so much so I gave him my candidate vote. Me and about a 1000 other neo-liberal nut jobs it would seem, but not enough in the end to stop him having to give over the leadership to David Seymour, who has that constant “inner monologue” look on his face.

        1. Oh God yes. David “Hi” Seymour. He’s ex-Grammar which explains much. I might write a blog post soon about that inner monologue but I don’t want to show how much I adore the work of Steve Braunias by directly plundering his genre.

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