The Bachelor New Zealand 2015


He’ll probably look like this. Easy going. Honest. Trustworthy


What we all need after the divisive election result — of The Block — is something to unify us as a nation.

For me that is pretty much it.  Last year was so depressing, really, with the politics and all the other shit, and I am looking forward to some fresh perspectives, and lo!, MediaWorks TV have delivered the payload in the form of The Bachelor New Zealand for us to join together and watch in a weekly hatewatch.*

Our track record for these types of franchised reality shows is pretty O for awful (The Apprentice), and I hope that this show brings us the class and beacon of hope that we crave.

A cursory look at the application criteria reveals that contestants must be aged between 21–35.

Wow.  35?  I wonder what the mindset is of a women entering this contest at age 35 … apart from hey, what the hell? Nothing ageist here, but I’m thinking of contestant versus social media crucifixion. I well remember being single at 35, and it sucked a big fat one (cough) in that people tended to match make you to your opposite archetype, and married men found you *irresistible*.

I can only hold out hope that if any of the older ladies have made the cut (and I am guessing they’ve planted one or two just so Twitter can feed off the carcass), that they do it with irreverence and plug themselves for their actual personas as competent women.

But they won’t.  Cuz shit ain’t like that.

As for the 21-year-old set.  They will have come from afar, and ALL of them will be either pre-Law (and let’s face it they have no intention of becoming lawyers, any of them) or in marketing and sales.  There will be no teachers, no vets (although that could work, for the dumb-animal factor and cat fights), no ambulance drivers, naval ratings, or mechanics.  Because as we all know, those professions attract ugly, boring people who dress badly and have limited social skills and and choose Chanui as their brew of choice.

And the bachelor?  Well I guess he’s going to need some credentials, although since the chosen contestants are kind of stuck with whomever, would it matter?  Yes it would.  Stuff had a go at suggesting potential bachelors and their list jokingly included Kim Dotcom and Guy Williams.  Sigh.  Is there any other joke option than Guy Williams, currently?

My pick is that the Bachelor will be tall dark and handsome. Toned, perhaps some kind of ‘sports freak’.  Will take potential one-night-stands brides over to Tonga or Samoa to complete some snorkeling and barbequing challenges.  Trials by fire.  Shots fired. Phoenixes rising.  Erectile flaccidity. A late night tête-à-tête on the beach with frangipani in every orifice.  If you want that.  And then the climax.  The bachelor decides Chanteese is not for him, and she is flown back to Lumsden without a single stem, shamed and Facebook unfriended, en masse.

Cue Twitter pile on.

Ultimately, this show will unite New Zealand.  We need it.  We are drawn to dysfunctionality and this show is the embodiment of that.

We will hatewatch* this show and speak of nothing else until The Block returns.


*Mum, if you are reading this, a ‘hatewatch’ is what the kids on the streets call something you watch that you love to hate.  Your hatewatch for your era was probably The Ray Woolf Show or Top Half.


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