It’s a new word and hopefully it’ll be a new hashtag trend soon.Guyvice. Guy-vice. G-u-y-v-i-c-e. It’s advice from guys. I’ve had so much great advice from guys and such a lot of harrowing shit from women’s magazines that I felt compelled to write both of them up, for the sake of humanity.
Guyvice is short and to the point. It is not sweet. It is often grotesque and harmful to the environment – but it works.
1. ‘Boys do things that feel good.’
And just like that everything made sense in my world. From watching my own son tossing brand new toys over the deck straight into the pool, to seeing men skipping stones across water, this advice has stuck. ‘Why wouldn’t he just play with the toys?’ my inner nag screeched. Because chucking them feels better. That’s like sticking it to the man, big time.
2. ‘Oven cleaner is the best thing to kill cockroaches’
Try it. Before you start up with the squeaky inner monologue about cruelty, take a step back from yourself. Guyvice dictates that it is better to get some comedy mileage out of the minutiae of life. Or death. Nothing more tragi-comic than a cockroach blanketed in killer foam. Still alive, but that’s not the point. Not for long (wink).
3. ‘He’s just not that into you’.
Sickening last decade mantra about getting with psychopaths. This was some salient guyvice though. Did you read the book ladies? It said that if a guy loves you, he’d walk over hot coals to get you. Super true. And zero space for reinterpretation of the rule. A guy who doesn’t love you will get an app to walk the hot coals for him.
4. ‘Don’t ever cut your hair off. Leave it long like that Giselle.’
Guyvice dictates that the hair of girls should always remain perpetually long. Even when the girls are 50. But how many of us actually listen? We don’t. We think we Know Best. We think a dramatic change is a good idea, and get the big chop n burn. Listen to the guyvice, unless you are Laila Harre, or you always rocked short hair to start with.
Wowser. What a minefield.
1. ‘Always have one good trans-seasonal jacket.’
A polar fleece, then
2. ‘Play hard to get’.
Ok….(nodding slowly) great…..
Look, life is short. The big question is, do you want to be right or happy? Happy is better. The key word in ‘play hard to get’ is ‘play’ as in games.
3. ‘Get your colours done’
Enjoyed that movie in 1988. Dennis Hopper. Colors colors, colors, colors, colors.
4. ‘Have a life first then children’
Have children full stop. Life is children. You can still have a larf around the sides of that. Don’t classify children as not-life.
Thanks for the guyvice, guys. It’s awesome and it comes at you like metal jaws, clamping onto your trans-seasonal jacket and shaking you about, reminding you that life is quite simple, really.
Also, Pams oven cleaner is pretty inexpensive, I found.