Welcome to your second pregnancy. You’re a professional now. That first baby really is a trial by fire, and you being royal does not exempt you from the terrors and trials of motherhood.
I’m not talking about the usual ‘mummy blog’ rantings. I am talking about attitudes to you as a human, having a baby.
Did you have a c-section last time? Oh. That’s no good. Why did you? Oh right. Well, remember if you ‘opt’ for that again, it makes it increasingly difficult to ever have a natural birth. Just tell the royal baby to stick to the birth plan!
Are you getting enough rest? Make sure you exercise regularly though. Oh. You’re tired and nauseous. And still working. Well, drink lots of water and get some exercise. But sure, rest. Oh right, you’ve got a toddler. Well you’ll need to find a way of handing him to dad then. He works? Oh, ok. Well that’s not your problem. He’ll need to structure his spare 3 hours to fit around this pregnancy. Perhaps he can do the night feeds. Get pumping girl! But remember to relax.
Wasn’t it planned? You knew the risks. What do you mean George is needy for just you at the moment? Oh right. Yes, they do go through that phase. Especially boys! Boys can be so much more work. They just want their mums. You should assure him he’s not going to be left out with the new baby though. That’s right. You should spend every waking hour when you are not madly exercising, working, being sick or lying down, with George. Being relaxed. Because when the new baby arrives, sometimes it can get a little…conflicted.
Did you expect to have two littlies so close together? Sometimes waiting until there’s three years between is better. Too late now!
Right, let’s work out a plan for you. Are you going to breast feed? What do you mean “hopefully”? Look, if the mother wants to, it should just happen naturally. If the mother is tense, sometimes the baby can pick up on the mother’s insecurities.
You want to make sure you don’t think negative thoughts while the baby is in situ. It can affect the baby’s development. It’s all down to the mother really. Tense mother, tense baby. You need to relax!
What are your plans for returning to work? Straight away? Oh. Right. That can be hard. Ideally the mother needs about 12 months off work really. To be fair to the baby. You can’t? Ok. Well there’s lots of places you can shove your children during the day while you work. Oh, you’ve decided to stay at home until they are school age? Well – what will you do all day? What about the money?
And anyway, maybe it’s better for the children to get that distance from you. Because they can get over-attached and suddenly you are their everything and that’s not realistic. You are a person and a woman too, and it’s important they see you as having your own life and interests. Otherwise you are just mum to them. And I mean, a nanny could do a lot of what you do!
I hope it goes well Kate. Remember, motherhood is the most creative thing you can do. But don’t let it rule your life. It’s a wonderful experience, really.
NB: Here at The Sane Companion, we enjoy taking a satirical ‘cheap shot’ approach to everything, including ourselves. The above is a collection of statements and attitudes from women I encountered during my three pregnancies from professionals and free advice-givers. And people say the sisterhood is dead!