Funeral Insurance: What Will Become of the Little Children?

rubbish bag black-500x500

We’ve arrived.

We all die, and when that happens, no one wants to be put out in a rubbish sack.

Funeral plans ensure that will never happen … or do they?

The baby boomers are aging, they are comfortably set up and they are spending the ’70s childrens’ inheritance on retirement villages, overseas holidays, investment properties, New Idea magazines, and Lotto tickets.

Yeah, that’s right.  It’s time to rise up, 40 somethings, and take action.

1. Get down to Countdown now and buy a 10 pack of rubbish sacks.

At the Sunday luncheon today, while no one is looking, generously sprinkle your parents’ house with the rubbish bags.  Some in the bedroom.  Some in the bathroom.  Reeaaaaaaaal casual.

Then go straight back to the lunch table, finish your vegetable tart, scone, and homemade chutney, and leave.

2. The next time you go over, start talking about nothing else but Keith Quinn

“What a great rugby commentator he is.  I’ll bet he’s saved a lot of money doing that job.  That money will be in the bank, safely earning interest.  I bet he got paid well for doing these ads!  His children must be so proud of him.”

Leave that to slow cook.  Then, drink your cup of Chanui tea, finish your half a glass of Sherry, and leave.

3. Soon, the purchasing of the Gold Coast package holidays will stop

There will no longer be a used Lotto ticket on the kitchen counter.  Your mum and dad will make do with the Stephen Fleming heatpump, and cancel the fitting of the Dan Carter one.

4.  At the Christmas table, while reaching for the nut-stuffed turkey breast with dad’s homemade alcohol sauce, casually talk about funerals

It’s an art form.  But look at it this way.  They had to talk to you about adults having sex, and the deep pleasure they derive from it, and you had to go through your pre-pubescent years with an image of your dad and mum in a sweaty, fleshy tangle.  So, now, pay it forward.

5.  Play them the Cigna Funeral advertisement

“I don’t want to be left out on the road in a rubbish bag” says a half-joking New Zealander.

Turn to your parents and point meaningfully to the sprinkled rubbish bags, and raise one eyebrow.


And that’s all there is to securing your own retirement, New Zealand.

Don’t say I don’t try to help here on this blog.





  1. Too laborious and may not penetrate some thicker skinned grey heads. Why not encourage widespread uptake of an algorithm? Something like: Funeral outlay = (Contribution to kids’ wedding/Time) x (Age of parents’ cars in years/Purchase Price). Multiply final figure by 0.6 if they own a European car.

  2. Totally, although I was trying not to cross the line of total insensitivity. An algorithm is much tidier and emotionless. Love it! Plus no need to drink Chanui.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *