Beards: Hirsute Rebellion


The beard had to pay for its own room

I’m noticing that even in television advertising, big beards are still making their mark —probably for the first time since the 1970s.

In particular, in advertising, such the NZ Post ad, where that company swap out actual reliable postal deliveries for Charles Dance getting shorn by beardy, tattooed ex-First Dates contestants.

In any case, they are fine beards, and it’s got me thinking: are these modern beards a form of corporate rebellion?  Who are they for?  Are they for the ladies or the fellas?

One theory is that big beards need attention.  They are not the David Bellamy rhododendrons of the 1980s: bushy and unkempt with bits of Cornish pastie generously sprinkled throughout.

In this sense, they will need products—heavily marketed and expensive products—like clippers, special shavers, beard mousse, beard Argan oils, and pastie-repellent sprays.

It’s pretty tough marketing fashion to men in this country.  If you take a programme like The Block New Zealand, and have a look at the male styling, it’s akin to grown men dressing like 11 year old boys.  Those tight, coloured denim shorts, extreme side hair parts and grandpa t-shirts worn with slip-on Vans remind me a little of mufti day at St Thomas’s Primary School.

What’s left to do but make a man feel like he needs that little extra up top?

Here’s a few examples:


The Brian Blessed

1.  Lorenzo Bresolin is famed in this land for his contribution to both the culinary arts and moustaches.  Here, he takes it a notch further than most would, and more power to him.  The whole thing is a shock to the New Zealand man-grooming system but, I imagine, pretty regular in Europe.

Some dick

2. Ugh.  This guy is like an angry protester who has a part-time job waiting at a kale restaurant.



Moeen Ali

3.  The spiritual mudflap.  I have so much respect for this cricketer and his beard.


The Fyfmeister

4.  I’m predicting that the above-mentioned will ship in a large-scale adventure-beard soon, after he buys his mid-life crisis Lexus RX 450h.  That’s 450 for the grunt and the ‘h’ because he respects the planet.


Colin Mathura-Jeffree

5.  Colin could decide to grow nasal hair and still be incredible.

A beard is a change, isn’t it.  If you are not going to buy a mid-life crisis car,  then grow a beard.  It’s a temporary fix to facial and fashion boredom and a compromise to baldness, and just being bored with shaving and life in general.  It can be safely executed at any age.

I know nothing about growing a beard, and here I am writing about it. It’s beardsplaining gone mad.

Here’s the final word on the subject, from Brian Blessed:



Fresh horses!

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