A New Job for Julian Sands

Do you remember Julian Sands?

He’s that guy whose career went into a terminal nose dive immediately after Boxing Helena.

That was a movie about a man who kidnaps and amputates the limbs from a real live woman.  You know, so she can’t run away.

I don’t know about you but that kind of shenanigans makes a guy seem really unattractive, and that’s what happened in my view, to Julian Sands.

Once, he was a fresh-faced, incurably English whippersnapper crashing through the copse after Helena Bonham Carter in A Room With a View.  If you’re having a bad day, put your feet up and smash that puppy into your DVD player.  You’ll instantly feel better about humanity, and you also get to see Julian’s testes, if that is your thing.


Julian’s greatest role as George Emmerson

After this, Julian jumped the shark by jumping across the Atlantic in the hope of a bigger pay packet.  Clearly, someone had told him that Los Angeles had a shortage of nuanced blonde English actors and he took the bait.

He was cast in Warlock and its sequel and then the dreaded career-ending Helena.  And since then he’s been scotch mist, and I wonder: why?

But more importantly, I think we should help Julian get back to his former glory by suggesting roles for him—iconic roles—so he will once again rise and be the floppy-haired psychopath we all love.


1.   CSI


This changes everything

Any of this vast franchise will do.  Miami, New York, Black Ops.  He’s the perfect gentleman terrorist.  Bring back the long Gwyneth Paltrow hair and place him inside a black skivvy and a dress jacket.  What’s so hard about that?  Instant psychopath.  He doesn’t even need lines—but if he has any need to talk, just a simple

… this changes everything …

will suffice.

2.   The Julian Assange Biopic


I am a Truth Terrorist.

Do I need to explain this one?  It’s a no-brainer.  As-is, where-is.  Stick him in a chambray shirt and dark jacket.  Turn up on set.  Stare maniacally at people while spouting arabesques about truth and secrets.  Lots of shots of him looking intensely out of embassy windows.  Hello??  Tell Tilda to take a hike.  This has got Sands written all over it.

3.   A Disney Pixar Voiceover


Ooooh. Jules. No more Flaming Sambuccas for you.

All acting careers can be revived via a round of hilarious voice-overing and the requisite promotional tour for the movie.  Just keep Julian away from the sharp objects in the hotel rooms, because of the amputation thing.   Lots of cool shots of him bonding with Will Ferrell, Jack Black and Abigail Bresolin on the red carpets.  Just dress him in the skivvy and jacket from idea 1.  Cheap and cheerful.  Do-able.

4.   His own sit-com


John Malkovich could play the building janitor, called Schneider.

Not known for versatility, Julian would be truly stretched here.  However back in 2013, he was nominated for Outstanding Solo Performance by the Drama Desk Awards for his work in A Celebration of Harold Pinter.  Not much ever happens in a Pinter play.  Sometimes a dumbwaiter arrives and you’re not entirely sure why.

If you think about it, a sit com is not much of a step away from this, except it has canned laughter.  Julian could be established as an Englishman in New York, with two children.  He’s single.  He needs a ‘woman’s touch’ and so hires a Nanny.  It’s original; it’s bound to be a 7-season daytime Emmy winner.  It would be really funny if a crass Jersey girl was cast as the nanny!

5.  Warlock 5


Julian at home

Let’s cut through the crap here and now.  Julian probably is a warlock in real life.  Why don’t we just let him play himself?  Stick him in the clothing from 2. and a shorter bob.  Done!  Just some glowing eyes and perhaps overgrown fingernails.  Perfection.  That’ll get another nomination from the Drama Desk people for sure.

For further helpful movie advice, go here for 5 Movies You Shouldn’t See and a deep analysis of Tom Cruise’s Many Looks.


  1. Good Christchurch. I never knew about this one. It’s so typically Sands – does a movie with a deliberate angle that takes him to acting places only Peewee Herman can truly cope with.

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