5 Movies You Shouldn’t See!

I’m going to do something really careless and ill-researched now and review movies I will never watch just because of the title they have been given.

Preamble

Have you ever sat there and turned to the review section of a magazine only to see a still of Alec Baldwin and perhaps an Anna Kendrick type actress and thought:

That is a movie I am never going to watch, ever.

That happens to me a lot.  In the old days it was called Judging a Book by its Cover.  Now I just call it saving 90 minutes of my life.

The Movies

In no way is this a criticism of people who have bothered to see these movies.  Nay, bothered to see them and even enjoyed them.

1.  Black Snake Moan

"What's under them there canvases?"

“What’s under them there canvases?”

I’ve seen the stills for this and got part way through a review.  The title gripped me with its sweaty palms and I felt thirsty and in need of a good hot shower after seeing Christina Ricci looking like she’d spent a night drinking at the Royal Tavern, State Highway 2.  I would never spend time watching a movie about a moaning snake.  I do not want to know why it moans.  Movies like this make me want to watch five Merchant Ivory productions straight after for spiritual cleansing.

2.  Basic Instinct 2

bas5h

Who the hell is David Morrissey?

I simply cannot believe that another episode of this sexy shambles was made.  I cannot believe that Sharon Stone turned up for another chance to showcase her terrifying screen presence.  Having just cringed through Basic Instinct over the weekend for the first time, most of it through my fingers, I can see that an opening was cleverly left for another round of woman-on-top-of-ancient-leathery-rich-guy action.  Look!  An ice pick under the bed!  Say no to this sequel.

3.   Eyes Wide Shut

kinopoisk.ru

Eyes Squeezed Shut

And they would be.  Tom Cruise, for the last 15 of his films, likes to take his shirt off.  He should not.  I like a bit of Kubrick, me.  But I have no desire to see movies where real-life married couples have a 3 hour date night.  Unless it’s Liev Schreiber (and Naomi) but mostly Liev.

4.  47 Ronin

47-ronin

I can’t think of a funny caption. Canoe is not funny.

I’m so confused.  I love Canoe Reeves, but is this the sequel to Ronin?  And where are the other 46 films?  Looks like The Last Samurai got drunk with the Wachowskis.  The only saving grace for me is if Jean Reno, the rent-a-Frenchman stars in it.

5.  An upcoming movie about flight MH370

airplane

Check out Leslie Nielson in the backgound.

Starring Channing Tatum, Cliff Curtis and Courtney Love as a wise old sage.  John Travolta is the consultant in the situation room.  Bill Pullman the President, again.  Will Smith a navy diver who may or may not have seen a low flying aircraft that day.  I’m not being heartless.  I can smell the disastrous scriptwriting from here.

3 Comments

  1. Hey Kathrine,
    Craig C here, I just found your blog, very entertaining.
    I have to disagree on ‘Eyes Wide Shut’, on first watch, I too thought it slightly shithouse, but subsequent viewings have been more rewarding. I think this is for two reasons 1) The second time around you’re already braced for some of the terrible acting (e.g. Nicole Kidman pretending to be stoned) and 2) There are a lot of bizarre undertones which I didn’t pick up on the first time (e.g. When TC is called a ‘fag’ by the gang of youths, did Stanley know something we didn’t?).

  2. Hi Craig. I might actually try to watch it then – because reasons of ‘Kubrick’ and I have seen every other film of his except this, so it probably does rock at the end of the day. I think I have not recovered from Far and Away and Days of Thunder but they were probably directed by Rowdy Herrington or someone like that. See my “He’s Like the Wind” post for more Herrington anguish. Nice to see you on here!

  3. The best trick to get through a re-watch of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ is to pretend that Tom Cruise is really Jeremy Irons and Nicole Kidman is really Delphine Seyrig (transposed in time,of course), it takes practice, but nothing worthwhile is easy is it? It’s certainly not peak Kubrick, but it’s better than ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’.

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