I’m going to do something really careless and ill-researched now and review movies I will never watch just because of the title they have been given.
Have you ever sat there and turned to the review section of a magazine only to see a still of Alec Baldwin and perhaps an Anna Kendrick type actress and thought:
That is a movie I am never going to watch, ever.
That happens to me a lot. In the old days it was called Judging a Book by its Cover. Now I just call it saving 90 minutes of my life.
In no way is this a criticism of people who have bothered to see these movies. Nay, bothered to see them and even enjoyed them.
1. Black Snake Moan
I’ve seen the stills for this and got part way through a review. The title gripped me with its sweaty palms and I felt thirsty and in need of a good hot shower after seeing Christina Ricci looking like she’d spent a night drinking at the Royal Tavern, State Highway 2. I would never spend time watching a movie about a moaning snake. I do not want to know why it moans. Movies like this make me want to watch five Merchant Ivory productions straight after for spiritual cleansing.
2. Basic Instinct 2
I simply cannot believe that another episode of this sexy shambles was made. I cannot believe that Sharon Stone turned up for another chance to showcase her terrifying screen presence. Having just cringed through Basic Instinct over the weekend for the first time, most of it through my fingers, I can see that an opening was cleverly left for another round of woman-on-top-of-ancient-leathery-rich-guy action. Look! An ice pick under the bed! Say no to this sequel.
3. Eyes Wide Shut
And they would be. Tom Cruise, for the last 15 of his films, likes to take his shirt off. He should not. I like a bit of Kubrick, me. But I have no desire to see movies where real-life married couples have a 3 hour date night. Unless it’s Liev Schreiber (and Naomi) but mostly Liev.
4. 47 Ronin
I’m so confused. I love Canoe Reeves, but is this the sequel to Ronin? And where are the other 46 films? Looks like The Last Samurai got drunk with the Wachowskis. The only saving grace for me is if Jean Reno, the rent-a-Frenchman stars in it.
5. An upcoming movie about flight MH370
Starring Channing Tatum, Cliff Curtis and Courtney Love as a wise old sage. John Travolta is the consultant in the situation room. Bill Pullman the President, again. Will Smith a navy diver who may or may not have seen a low flying aircraft that day. I’m not being heartless. I can smell the disastrous scriptwriting from here.