Wicker Chair

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On Monday there was a wicker chair, its threads woven into the frame in a lacklustre taupe next to a rusted lamp stand. The shade askew and its plastic backing peeling.   On the Wednesday it rained and the soaked carpets spored black. The vans stooped and floated past the busted plastic chairs towards the power drill with its cut… Read more »

New Show for the 7.30pm Slot

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I’m on the hunt for a new TV show, for the 7.30 slot, now that Married at First Sight is nearly over. I’m yearning for more.  The 8.30pm Viking-themed rape-fests available these days — they aren’t really for me.  Isn’t there something we could sit down and watch with the kids?  Something like … Rip Tide?   1.  Rip Tide These… Read more »

Great New Zealand Archetypes: The Alfa Driver

  One time recently, I glanced over at our DVD collection of James Bond titles. I wondered, at what time in my life did I decide this was ok, to actually make a point of collecting James Bond movies, and to actually sit around having conversations about who did it best, and argue a case for Daniel Craig? The simple… Read more »

The Sin Eater

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A Sin Eater used to lay out bread on a corpse and eat the sin-soaked food and save a soul.   I’m a modern-day Sin Eater. But still, give me platesful of corpse cake and take me to your graveside to dine alone.   The grave is freshly-dug and empty; so I wait. Wine (and bread) take away the sting… Read more »

The Crossing

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  I’ve just been to a new shopping complex in Tauranga called “Tauranga Crossing“. It sits in a new development in the Western Bay called The Lakes. The Warehouse Brand-new but age-old. Luxury aisles in which to swing your trolley toward the Rachel H fashion line or pallets of bulk-lolly mix. Here, you can also shop for Amy Winehouse on… Read more »

A Thousand Yards

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A Thousand Yards Between the blossom trees and along the straight, gravelled avenue the tall chimney rises. The polished steel is hot and deranges the stark slate of the blue sky beyond.   You took one thousand strokes on a hired exercise machine in the cold unlined garage, while outside your small shrubs grew up around you; your stare down… Read more »

Back to School

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Many of us, on turning 45, decide that we desperately need to do a Masterate, and just like that we are back at university, such is the ease of enrolment, extramural study, access to money and the luxury of real thinking. Back in our first degrees, some of us hung on by the skin of our teeth. We’d reached the… Read more »

The Dating Game: The Bachelor New Zealand Finale

I’ve sat through the second season of The Bachelor—like everyone else who has bothered to watch—with a sense of despondency, shame, bemusement and stupefaction. It’s nothing like the first series, with the strapping, amusing Art Green who—despite being some sort of MediaWorks plant (probably)—at least had an inner spark greater than a Bic lighter. Jordan is okay. At the end… Read more »

Coronation Street’s Deep Thinker: Tim Metcalfe

Tim Metcalfe is a hapless Englishman, stuck in the middle of others’ drama, in a suburb called Weatherfield. If you thought Steve MacDonald or Peter Barlow had fairly hard existences, think again. Windass Tim entered the show in 2013 as the birth father of Faye Windass, who is the adoptive daughter of Anna and Eddie Windass. Yes. Windass. Initially he… Read more »

Boganism

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Remember June and Steph, the ‘Bogan Besties’ of My Kitchen Rules? They were functional bogans.  They showed that bogans were no longer just bong-toting types with a penchant tyre fires and Corrosion of Conformity.  The friends were acceptable, taxpaying, school-run bogans, who probably shopped at Caroline Eve. I had bogan mates at school.  Maybe I was one too? In ’87,… Read more »

The Suburban Shopping Mall

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  There is a place where we all ultimately go, like McDonald’s or BB’s Cafe, and that place is called the local shopping mall. The local malls have been undercut by the Westfields but they stand, steadfast, like a beacon of cheapness, scattered across suburban New Zealand. They’re places to go when the big malls are too scary, and you’re… Read more »

Blind date

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I recently heard a few tales of online dating. It seems there’s a swag of blokes out there who are great company, are CEOs, have extensive land portfolios and are generally all-round GCs. That’s what it says in their bio. Yet, they are single. What gives? And what happens when you swipe right? Let’s take a walk through a few… Read more »